Hard to Understand...

For over 36 years I have known this girl.  I was the dark haired girl, she was the blond.  When we were kids, we played with our strawberry shortcake dolls, rode bikes, ran through the sprinklers, went to ballet, and had eating contests that didn't end so well.  Ironically we've spent more time living away from each other than together yet through visits and many letters we've remained close friends... better friends than some of those I spent more time with.  I traveled back to my hometown to be in her wedding where I met her soon to be husband for the first time.  I remember watching them take their first dance, the song still plays in my head, thinking of what a wonderful couple they will be.  He was a good man.  They have 3 beautiful kids.  He had melanoma when he was 18 and miraculously went into remission where he remained until early this year.  The cancer returned and spread very quickly.  He fought every way he could trying many different types of treatment but it was clearly not meant to be.  He passed away on fathers day, only 4 months after it returned.

This same dear friend was young when she lost her father unexpectedly.  Her father was the same age as her husband was when he died.  Now she is having to help her own children go through the same thing she did at their age.  Life is so unfair. I struggle understanding why someone so good, with such a purpose is taken so young.  He came from a huge family (12 kids) who are remarkable people.  He had a family of his own, and was loved by so many people in the community.  He loved life.  Why him? I wish I could have taken his place so he could stay.

This dear friend is the strongest person I know.  She has been, and will still be going through so much, yet has handled it with grace and a smile.  I don't know how she does it.  She has such strong faith and I know that she will be ok and her life will still be wonderful.  She now has two men who loved her very dearly watching out for her from the other side.  I admire her so much and wish I could be more like her.  I wish that I could remain that strong in times of trial.  I always thought I would be, but I'm proving otherwise.  With everything that has been going on over the last year I struggle to understand the 'why' of it all.  It's wearing me out physically, emotionally and mentally.  We are told we won't be given more than we can handle in life but I'm not sure how much more I can deal with.  I know I have more ahead of me too with my parents.  My mom has fallen twice in the last month, once hitting her head on the brick wall.  She's ok, but it could have been different.  Time is running out and I feel guilty that I am not there.  My parents are all I have.  I will never forgive myself if I can't be there before they go. I wish I could just pack up and move home but I don't see how we can without jobs.  I hate money.  However, we may not have a job here either before long.  At that point I'm not sure what we'll do.  I'm just tired of it all.  I'm tired of the sadness.  I wish I could be more like my friend and still be able to be strong and positive.  I wish I could just understand.