Empty...

I'm sitting here in an empty house with nothing but my mattress and my laptop. I'm so sad. Today was honestly the hardest day of my life. Saying goodbye to this farm and all the wonderful friends we have broke my heart. I've moved a lot. A LOT. But for some reason this is the hardest one yet. Maybe it's because I had planned on never leaving this place. I had hopes and dreams here. Saying goodbye to our landlords, their son and grandson about did me in. I never dreamed I'd have a landlord who would put their arms around me sobbing, tell me that I was family, and that they will miss me everyday. They offered us a place to stay if we ever need it and want us to stay with them on our long trip (which will now be 33 hours) back to Utah to visit family. I hope we can swing that because the thought of never seeing them again kills me.

My landlords son lived next to me on this farm for 5 years. He's been like family too. I am so grateful that his son is home from Afghanistan right now and we were able to say goodbye to him too. He was always so much fun to have around. He'd always make me laugh riding out in the pasture in his big truck chasing the cows. I will miss that. I will miss everything about this place... except for the bad memories of our situation at work. I hope my anger and sadness concerning it passes quickly. I don't like being a bitter person, but I'm really struggling with this.

We asked 2 people from work to help us load. 8 showed up. It was mass chaos, especially since many don't speak English. Ha ha! Perhaps it was the offering of beer and pizza. We don't drink, but we've learned that if you offer beer and pizza they will help you with anything. It was hard when they said (in broken English)... "We never forget you Shaunito and Shaunita". That is what they called us. I loved that. People from work were giving us care packages, filled with our favorite candy. They all knew us so well. I honestly don't think I will EVER meet the kind of people I did here.

We had farmers from far and near arriving to tell us goodbye and how much they will miss seeing me out gardening. They tell me that every time they see the flowers bloom, they will think of me. No farm here has flower gardens. They don't have time to garden. What I did with this yard drew attention and people loved it. I loved every minute working in the gardens, and am happy that they will continue to enjoy it. I leave with 8 plant starts from my garden of 1,145 plants. That breaks my heart.

I thought by now I would have run out of tears, but it's not happening. I have a few letters people have written me but I can't bare to read them yet. I think I will have to wait until I get there. One is from my landlords son's ex-wife. She comes and visits their son and stays for a few months each summer when he's home from Afghanistan. We became such good friends and we gardened together. She is such an amazing person and I know her letter will uplift me like she always did. But, I need to wait to read it when I have time to cry. Driving down the rolling dirt road tomorrow for the last time, watching my little farmhouse fade in the rear view mirror will be hard enough to handle. I wish this was just a nightmare and I would wake up.

Like this house, I feel so empty.