Dreaming...

Shaun asked me the other day, "what happened to us?" "why can't we catch a break?"  "what happened to all our hopes and dreams?"

I didn't know how to answer.  Everything that's happened this last year is so wrong and unfair.  He's trying so hard, and it breaks my heart to see him hurting too.  I used to think I was a strong person, that I could handle anything.  But this is proving me wrong.  We try to cheer ourselves up by going down to the gas station, splurging on a soda, and playing games for a few hours on the weekends.  It works momentarily, but then it's back to reality.  How do I help him when I am so unstable myself?  I try so hard to put on a brave face and to keep him positive, but when he's gone I just break down after holding it in so long.  Lately, I can't even seem to hold it in any longer when he's home.   Especially when he say's things like "what happened to our hopes and dreams?"


What I didn't say when he asked me that question is that I've stopped dreaming.  All the dreams I had are gone.  I consider myself lucky if I can make it through the day anymore without crying.  I know he feels the same way.  Shaun rarely cries, but I've seen more tears from him here than ever.  It's hard being here without anyone.  We really have no hopes of finding friends here.  It's hard to think about everyone back in Iowa... their lives are moving forward as usual.  We will never stop thinking about them, but they will forget about us.  At first I would close my eyes and visualize the farm, our friends, our gardens.  I didn't want to forget.  But now sometimes I wish I would.  I've stopped dreaming while awake, now I wish I could stop dreaming when I'm asleep.  I keep having dreams of the life we had.  We were so happy.  Then I wake up.  I want it to stop.  I want to forget.