But... what I am having a hard time with is coveting others stability. I envy their 9-5 jobs. What we wouldn't give for a "normal" job where Shaun goes to work and comes home at the same time each day. I can't even imagine how great that would be. As it stands now, Shaun leaves before I get up and I don't see him until often 8pm. I envy the stability of others jobs. I don't think people truly understand how difficult it is to go day to day not knowing if you'll have a job the next week. I envy their ability to pay their bills and the fact they don't have to worry about how to pay them. We've cut out everything possible and still can't make our full student loan payment. We will be paying for this one until we die.
I also envy people who live near their family. We've been away from ours for 10 years now. I want nothing more than to go home and be with my parents, I just don't know how to get there. I would give up every possession I own to get there. I'm afraid that by the time I can get home it will be too late. They are not getting any younger and I feel like I'm wasting time. I hate not being there. Ugh.
They say that people who work hard and follow the rules of society will get ahead. But I'm not seeing that in this country anymore. I'm seeing people who commit crimes, come in illegally, and take advantage of the system get ahead. I watched a women in front of me at Walmart buy a cart load of food on assistance. Most of that cart was full of junk... 4 bags of chips, cookies, soda; non-essential food items. She then bought 2 books and a magazine separately with her own money. She had more in that cart then I buy in a month and she could afford to buy books? That bothers me. It bothers me terribly that Shaun has worked so hard for the last 20+ years, has 4 degree's, is an honest hardworking person, yet can't seem to catch a break. It's frustrating. It bothers me that he was treated so poorly at his last job just because he tried to better his knowledge. I will never understand. Our co-workers there don't understand it either.
I have to keep telling myself that surely there is something better coming our way, that everything will work out and we'll be ok. But lately I'm having a hard time believing it. I know things could be worse... we could have no job at all, but at the same time I feel like that's where we are headed and I don't do well without a back up plan. I don't like feeling jealous of other people's lives. I don't covet their "things"... I covet their stability and I'll likely go to hell for it.
I don't like sounding like an ungrateful whiner. I know others have more important things they are going through. I think a lot of it is that I feel like we had our dream, and now it's gone. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. In Iowa I looked forward to each and every day. I loved my life there. Here, the second I open my eyes in the morning all I want to do is close them again. The first thought of my day is "ugh... it's not a nightmare". I start my day anxious and end it sad. I just don't know how to shake this.
I don't like what this blog has become. What once was a place I told about happy things has become a place I unload my negative thoughts. I've debated deleting it. Sometimes reading posts from earlier times is just too much for me. But, at the moment it's my therapy. I guess I'll use it as such since I can't afford the real deal. ha ha!
I saw this and I decided to put it here so that I can read it often.
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