Where do you see yourself?

I always used to hate the question, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?"  I remember getting that question a lot throughout my life.  Of course, it all starts with the question, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"  I remember as a kid answering that question with the typical answers of  "a teacher", or "a dancer", or "a  veterinarian".  Of course in my mind I really never wanted to do any of those things.  The only thing I wanted to do was be was a mother, a mother just like mine.  Even in high school when they'd give you assessments to help you choose a career path for college, and ask where you'll be in 5 years, I always just went through the motions.   I said I'd be graduating college, starting a job.  Blah blah blah.  Again all I really wanted was to get married and be a mom.   To me that was the greatest achievement.  I did however want to go to school, simply to have accomplished it.  But it wasn't on my 'have to do now' list.  I felt I had time, even after getting married.

After high school, one of my things happened... I got married.  The new 5 years question was answered with Shaun graduating college, getting into law school and starting a family.   But that was changed when Shaun decided against law school to pursue the family business in horticulture.  That was great, until it closed shortly after 9/11.  Then the job jumping began and it threw off the 5 year plan again.  When we married, I saw us having kids within 5 years.  That never happened so it became part of the next 5 years plan, and the next and the next.   My 'plans' of being a mom never happened no matter how much I wanted it.

 A couple years ago, back in Iowa, things were going well for us.  I felt like we were finally gaining ground and perhaps the 5 years plan would work this time.  Buying the farmhouse, fostering/adopting some kids, getting back to school... that was the plan.  But once again life threw us a curve ball and dashed my hopes.
I have learned that the question of 'where do you see yourself in 5 years' is completely dumb.  Because no matter where you see yourself, it doesn't mean you'll be there.  It's almost like setting yourself up for a let down.  The sad reality is that I'm no farther in life now than I was 20 years ago.  I have no job, no schooling, no kids.  It's not what I had planned.  I'm tired of people judging me for not having kids as if I didn't want them and planned it that way.  I wish they'd realize that not everyone is lucky in life.


So now if that 5 years question was asked of me I have a vision in my head, but I refuse to think it because chances are it won't happen.  I'd have to say that I don't know and there is no point in planning anything.  Maybe if I just hope for nothing, I'll get something.  Perhaps I should plan on living in my car.  Ha ha!  I guess I won't be let down that way. 

Normally I'm not a pessimistic person.  Quite the opposite really.  I hate having these thoughts running through my head, so that is why I write them down here... to get them out.  This is my therapy.